Dirty

You drift through Fu-Wah Mini Market on what I'm guessing is your lunch break, with a look on your face like your dog just died. I want to ask, did your dog just die? That, or you're the everyday hopeless. There are stains all over your brown Dickies and you have workboots on, like some kind of non-professional construction worker. It's a tofu hoagie wait. I know it. I want to wait with you. The air is showered with doubt and a 90% chance of I could be wrong.

I toss my Dirty chips onto the counter. Salt & Vinegar, in a purple package. I always say purple chips. I pull out way too many dollars when I only need one. He asks if I want a bag. The one with the salty carbs in it should do.

"I'm cool, thanks." I leave the store like that, you and your sundry accoutrements splayed before the cash register, me and the things that I really say when I flee a scene.

I smell a trolley in the air and find a corner. I have no qualms with pocketing my desires. I finish peoples sentences when they talk, like I know. I should let you complete.

I play out the preparation of your tofu hoagie in my mind, but it takes too long. Maybe the sandwich is at the stage of being cast in white paper. Money could be changing hands. You're probably fumbling for change. I don't see you come out until you're all up in my crazy insane. There is no real look. You walk up 47th until you become a dot, and then I'm 16 for a second. My dog is dead.

It's the last week of November with yellow yellow trees. Their trunks are a deeper brown than the others, but it makes sense. You're dark inside, and then it goes up.

In The Kitchen With Kelly: Pasta Della California

Cali avocados may not be in season, but the Florida and Mexico varieties will take you through winter. Yearning for a taste of my homestate, which will probably burn to a crisp before I ever live there again, I carefully selected a $2.99 "butter pear" like I was the kin of Produce Pete.

My life would be so much easier if I just did the ramen thing. But I am not known for simplicity so much as I am known for my vegan cookbook lending library. The latest addition? Veganomicon, from where I selected my dinner plan: Pasta Della California. I added tofu sour cream to mine.

I also tried out the Baked BBQ Tofu from the book and it's pretty decent but you have to bake the tofu for at least 45 minutes to get it firm enough (even if you freeze and thaw beforehand). Don't let the sizzling sauce fool you-IT'S NOT DONE YET, kid.

It Exists: The 25 Grams of Protein Bagel

Sometimes when I go to Fishtown, where there are only two coffeeshops that don't have orange and Pepto pink signs that say Dunkin' Donuts, I end up at Dunkin' Donuts. And you know what? I don't mind. What's also really satisfying about this nabe is that everything is always open at night when you're walking back from the Barbary. Those nameless gas stations and DD's and the lone Wawa that make up most of my meals whenever I'm visiting the folks/the people who keep reminding me that I'm going to die because all they hear out of my mouth is: tofu, blog, dj, tofu, blog, blog, tofu, dj.

Instead of dropping dead, I do a breakfast run for the family. I have to say the word bacon out loud. I have to doublecheck my order because I can't believe how cheap it is. Then I have to address my protein needs. This is how I tried the Reduced Carb Bagel.

Since I eat mostly carbs to begin with and Atkins is clearly not my thing, one must consider that this bagel contains a magical 14 grams of fiber and lo! 25 grams of protein. If it tasted like shit, I'd move on, but it was surprisingly good. It's topped with cheese that is baked on and forms a crispy crust, so it's not vegan.

Spotted: Soy Smart Chocolate Mint

Silk Pumpkin Spice is now in stores, but other than using it as a coffee creamer, I've been pushing it aside for a new favorite: Odwalla Soy Smart Chocolate Mint.

I knew something was wrong when I only managed one slice of pumpkin pie throughout the entire Thanksgiving weekend. I'm a pie-for-breakfast kind of girl, and Friday morning I found myself digging into pecan. The very next day I was already into mint.

Sip a soy peppermint mocha to confirm. Sustain the partnership with a bottle of Soy Smart, a creamy, refreshing smoothie that will have at least an inch of dark chocolate forming at the bottom before you shake it. Come December, we'll all have noticeably better breath.

Cereal Showdown

365 Brand Organic Cinnasnaps VS Trader Joe's Oat Bran Swirls VS Cap'n Crunch's Christmas Crunch.

It's a loaded question, but which should you buy?

If you're vegan, forgo the Cinnasnaps. They're basically just Cinnamon Puffins (which are vegan) with a ton of fiber. The deliciousness shall not be argued. Cute name, serious crunch, boring box.

Next up is TJ's Swirls, which are oh my fucking god good. And you thought it'd be hard to say that about something which is basically oat and bran. The box has that charming DIY quality relative to the simple TJ packaging.

Christmas Crunch will leave you feeling hungry again in an hour, but so what? This is the stay-in-your-pajamas and blow the day off cereal. 8-year-olds know.

Veg In: Paolo Pizza Delivery

Making Pizza Paolo Pizza are actually quicker through delivery than they are in-house. Plus, they'll deliver a six-pack. The Pizza Antipasti, described as a "True Vegetarian Masterpiece", packs on the colorful veggie toppings-zucchini, grilled onion, roasted red peppers, mushrooms, eggplant, and tomato bruschetta, drizzled with extra virgin and shaved parmesan, on a whole wheat focaccia crust. We ordered the small pie, which impressed 3 people. The tossed salad that I ordered with it was unnecessary, as in a clump of turning iceberg, a couple of cucumbers, one tomato slice, and a lone french fry that somehow found its way aboard. Since pizzerias aren't typically known for their salads (although Slice on 10th St. has it all figured out), I'll call it a misfire. The Antipasti itself was flavorful and satisfying, and I'm hoping that this whole wheat dough option catches on in the city.

Paolo Pizza, 1336 Pine St, 215-545-2571

Veg Out: Bonte Wafflerie

You think Bonte is all about those sweet-smelling waffles? You'd be sorely mistaken. My French professor says that Bonte's are nothing like des gaufres a Bruxelles en Belgique. I can't complain, but they do grill a mean panini. There's the Panini Végéterien, an assembly of mozzarella, basil pesto and roasted red peppers on ciabatta, and the Liege, a pairing of Brie, beefsteak tomatoes, sun-dried tomato pesto and basil on ciabatta. I lunched on the latter with a companion, and we both agreed to never contemplate the waffles again.

Bonte Wafflerie
922 Walnut St.
1315 Walnut St.
1520 Locust St.
130 S. 17th St.

Vegan Donuts: The Novel

The saga continues...armed with the recent acquisition of a nonstick donut pan, a vegan recipe, and some hungry mouths willing to test a batch, I got to work. After a dusting of cinnamon sugar, the baked minis were quickly polished off by the unsuspecting. The "Btw, they're vegan," doesn't even surprise them anymore. After all of the dairy-free eats that I pass on, there's just this level of (cr)edibility. Here's the recipe: Vegan Doughnuts

Veg Out: The Belgian Cafe

Checking out the Belgian Cafe on an early Friday evening is not a bad idea. You'll beat the dinner rush, and there will be many servers flitting about, along with a promising group of vegan selections. The dining room, separate from the dark and gothic-style bar, was bright and open, with garish paintings taking up one wall and an interior that disrupted the Belgian concept. Not that I've been to La Belgique, but I was once quite intimate with one of their own and received the lowdown on the country's culture, if that counts.



The meal was surprisingly inexpensive, even though we went with 3 starters: Vegan Smoked Scallops, Vegan BBQ Chicken Wings, and to be complete in our tastings, the Pomme Frites. The "Scallops" were really pieces of smoked tofu wrapped in fake bacon and vegan caviar, but this dish was difficult to execute. The bacon did not seem particularly invested in securing the tofu, and the entire creation was easily rendered a mess if not carefully forked into. We moved on to the wings and forgave. The sweet-not-too-spicy BBQ sauce covered tender pieces of crusted seitan for the perfect bar snack. I'd order this again in a second, although it didn't come with the celery as described on the menu, just vegan aoli. The frites needed some work, but were tasty enough. As for the beer, there was a decent list of Belgian brews, as well as local varieties. I stuck with the Ephemere Apple and found it very refreshing.

After being pried away from the wings, I tucked into a Vegetarian Reuben sandwich, a feast of hearty seitan, melted swiss, tangy sauerkraut, and Goddess dressing on crusty bread. It was the ideal size for eating, as most sandwiches are too big for my freakishly small hands. It was served with a small salad topped with crunchy slaw.

My gastro-partners went with the Croque Monsieur, a basic toasted ham & cheese on sourdough bread, and the Bruegel burger with bacon and cheddar. You're so not interested. They also offer a vegan Spring Roll with tempeh, a vegan burger, and vegan Meatloaf, to be contended with in the future.


The Belgian Cafe, 21st & Green, 215.235.3500, www.thebelgiancafe.com

In Praise Of Seitan

The Inky drops in on Horizons, reminds me why my favorite resto is still on point, they chat up Thanksgiving, and Seitan Pot Roast is added to our culinary repertoire. Merci beaucoup.

No Meat Dishes That Add To Thanksgiving

Cinnamon Toast

It's one of the most influential spices around.

Vegans and cinnamon junkies alike recognize the power of a VT Cinnamon Bun. Giant rolls big enough to feed two, decadent enough that you'll never be satisfied by making your own. You need to consume the entire thing by yourself at least once to become a proper vegan badass. If you're less about icing and more about honey and nuts, spend your time with the sticky bun.

Available at coffeeshops that carry Vegan Treats, as well as Govinda's, I realize that VT should start paying me.

When Whole Foods Dinner Attacks

If you were thinking that tofu meatloaf, pumpkin ravioli, and green beans with shallots is a delicious Whole Foods dinner, your $8.99 is in danger.

Because first, the meal, although enough for leftovers, is not worth your buck.

It also requires around half of your pepper shaker for you to detect the slightest bit of flavor.

Does it look appetizing? Truthfully, friend?

The rest of their prepared foods section, generally decent enough, is laughing at it.

Again: $8.99. Go hit a resto or cafe.

You've been warned.

If You're Still Into Pumpkin...

Put the gingerbread down for a sec. Lotus Cake Studio's Vegan Pumpkin Cheesecake (available at Kingdom of Vegetarians or Red Hook) will keep you on the path of righteousness (or whatever the fuck your excuse is) this season.

It's Okay To Eat Houses

Iced Gingerbread Clif Bars are in da house. And you know what that crib is made of.

When I finally make my Vegan Gingerbread Pied-A-Terre, my piece de resistance, it'll be the most epic project that my kitchen has ever seen. Await it.

Veg Out: Hershels East Side Deli

Vegans may have to stick with Kisses Knishes, but for the rest of us, there's always Hershels at the Reading Terminal Market for us half-ass vegetarians. My counter guy demanded that I eat it with mustard, although I don't even like the yellow stuff. He pumped a squirt of it onto my plate and dared me to argue. Kind of you, sir. I gave the condiment a shot on my spinach knish and surmised that it was already too late in life to change my tastes. Alas, I finished off the hearty jackpot of potato and spinach plain-style.

The Vegan Fourth Meal

The Protein Burrito at Essene is made to tackle extreme hunger. This monstrosity is holding rice, beans, tempeh strips, tofu sour cream, salsa, onions, avocado...and in case you need anything else, it's likely in there.

Philly's More Fun When You Eat Over

The Healthy Voyager knocks back a faux steak, concedes that Horizons is criminally superb, and checks out my favorite "roach coach". Not bad for a tourist: Fillin' Up In Philadelphia

Veg Out: Campus Lunch Truck

I could have made this at home in five minutes, but isn't that generally true for food cart grub? There's a Temple truck called Campus Lunch Truck or something mundane, and they make rice bowls with Spicy or Teriyaki tofu, in addition to tofu wraps and a veggie chicken cheesesteak, all of which could use a bit of improvement, but aren't anything to argue with in North Philly. This would have been fine if there were vegetables involved, some kind of stir-fry mixed veg, perhaps.

Nice try, guys. The homeless wouldn't even look twice at my leftovers.

Here's my own stir fry at home, made with assorted veggies and Quorn chik'n tenders.

Dunkin' Veg

After a Vegan Treats donut taste test, we have a favorite:

The Chocolate Glazed (with bits of Oreo because it was next to an Oreo cream-filled donut)

I'm rating them up there with Dunkin'.

If you ever spot these in Philly, buy all of them and don't alert me. For now, you can find them at Atlas in NYC.

Got Silk Nog?

Vegan Eggnog Muffins made with soy 'nog? I'm on it. The recipe is in La Dolce Vegan, required LOTV reading. If you can't find Silk Nog yet, the "Spice" variety of Silk that comes in a single serve bottle will get it done.

Soy Latte Weather

Everybody's throwing back pumpkin spice but dare to be thinking ahead and order up the Gingerbread Mocha or Roasted Chestnut latte at Mugshots (2106 Fairmount Ave). Want to get even more ridiculous with your drink? Tuscany Cafe (222 W Rittenhouse Sq) is home of the Carrot Cake latte, and that steam is fo' real. Still not appeased? Rocket Cat's (2001 Frankford Ave) Maple Syrup latte is not as sweet as it sounds, but it's enough to get you in that lumberjack mindset quicker than thick socks and long johns. It even comes capped with a mountain of tofu whipped cream.