The Vegan Cheesesteak Gods Have Spoken

And they're a little tired of your typico vegan sleaze. Home Slice's veggie cheesesteak is an entirely different non-animal. It could have been another seitan fest, the rapidly-propagating steak replacer that leaves one's stomach in a knot, but is such a pleasure on the way down. Slice could have faked it.

But this Liberties Walk pizzeria comes care of inspired hands. Their twist on the vegetarian steak involved a heavy hit of marinated tofu, mushrooms, onions, and peppers. It can be ordered small or large, wiz wit. Even more true to nature, the vegan cheese wiz is not nacho orange mud, but a thinner sauce that you can't readily detect. That cheese could use more zip. The most pronounced flavor comes from the mushrooms. However, this is a commendable effort and was a near-endless portion. It's not insane junk food, but there's enough of that around.

Oh, and let's not forget the pizza (vegan almond cheese, whole wheat crust).

Home Slice, 1030 N. American St.

Veg Out: Golden Krust

You feel the way you do about the Gallery. It stands in the way of the evolution of our city. The mix of toxic food and noxious fashion that slow-cooks in this container of peoples is enough to jar the most fibrous of characters. You don't think it's smart to eat there, and I can't fault you. There's always MSG in Chinatown.

If there's ever a chance you reconsider, let it be Golden Krust, in the main food court. Do not look anyone in the eye as you cross this food court. If someone tries to stop you with Japanese samples, deny their offer. When a man inquires about your possession of change to make you feel bad about your $1.79 soya patty purchase, step ahead in queue. It's Golden Krust, man. There's more change in and out of Le Bec Fin than they know what to do with.

The crust on this spicy soy beef pocket is golden enough. It's snack-perfect, even if ordering one is an unpleasant process. The chain Jamaican takeaway knows what's up and has other treats for you like the vegetable patty, spice buns with cheese, and coco bread. The exit is really close, so you can release it into the sunshine, relatively unscathed.

Golden Krust Bakery, 9th & Market

Burrito Diaries: El Fuego

This may be the raciest post I ever write. Some of you may argue that my San Francisco fling/treat was lite porn. Thing is, it's generally looked down upon to order a Naked Burrito. It's explicitly a salad. Not a legit burrito-hound's meal. How could a medley of components ever stand up to the burritos that are formally inspected on this blog? I wondered, too, as I thoughtfully scooped up a dollop of thickset guacamole caught in a romaine leaf, embracing a trickle of sour cream and two lush black beans.

Should I go back to Zara and snag those $10 trousers from the clearance rack?

That was easy. And so was it to navigate this burrito-centric plain free from the cumbersome tortilla wheel. I have no issues with knocking back a burrito whole, but I just wasn't up to some carb-loading. Knowing that El Fuego is one of the better Cali-style members of Philly's Burrito Society, I landed there for my fix. Their bowls cost the same as their burritos, with no upcharge like some places have. You're taking my tortilla away and you want me to pay extra? Is it because I'm violating your livelihood? Love you. Another plus is that the veggie burrito gets a free hit of guacamole, which is $1.50 for you flesh-goers.


Was it steady? I didn't even miss those 10 inches. The feast is just as furious with healthy amounts of rice and beans, strips of tasty cactus, onions, and peppers, and a super smashing of salsa, cheese, sour cream, and guac. Will I take it off again? Maybe so, but I do want you to respect me.

El Fuego, 723 Walnut (new location coming soon to Rittenhouse)

August Finals: To-Do List

• Try the verduras vegan burrito at Cantina Dos

• 610 at Rittenhouse
• Pumpkin Market
• City Planter
• Make avocado enchiladas
• Thank Foobooz for linking you here

Philly's First Fro-Yo Foray

When Capogiro wasn't looking, this self-serve yogurt bar called Phileo showed up on South St. near the old Phila Deli. Long lagging behind in the fro-yo craze, will Philadelphia be the last to embrace fat-free swirls on a block that has already imploded on itself? Phileo could have Rittenhouse Square in its pocket, what with the calorie-obsessed Pinkberry-wishers that trample those grounds. But no, South Street it is for this dessert lab.

The 49 cents-an-ounce soft serve is churned out in flavors that you can mix and match--cookies & cream, green tea, cheesecake, banana, butter brickle, and more. Mind blown, you then sprinkle on as many toppings as you can visually stomach--Cap'n Crunch, gummy bears, mochi, sprinkles, or healthier picks like kiwi, banana, and nuts. There are dessert sauces, too.

I chose strawberry tart and cheesecake yogurt, graham crackers, cheesecake bits, kiwi, and banana. The scale rang it up as $5.31, but my cup was pretty full. If anyone wants to contribute to my frozen yogurt fund, please email. I'm interested in seeing how pricy I can jack up a sundae.

Phileo, South St. between 5th & 6th

Veg Out: Tavern 17

Omg. Sliders. Two-bite sliders that we can vegfully partake in.

Enough said. I don't care if tourists are dining here with their children who keep unabashedly staring at us because they have an 8-year old righteousness. There are two types of vegetarian sliders on this docket, and the Radisson-Warwick's garage parking is only $8 with your Tavern 17 receipt.

I went over my max bites for these. It took me at least 20 to demolish them, and I had to leave some bun behind. I chose a trio of the $3 sliders--two crimini mushroom and eggplant with provolone & mayo, and a cold grilled vegetable slider with pesto aoili. Both were superb, but I immediately bonded with the eggplant, breaded for a slight crispness and glued to the sparkling brioche with a zesty mayonnaise. That condiment was a strong explanation for the swell execution of this minute genius.

My compadre feasted on the grilled portabella burger (every omnivore I know always orders this when they're out with me, it's uncanny). It sat on focaccia that he found too spongy. However, marination was beautiful on this garlicky piece. We each had a shitake and avocado spring roll that was low on the avo, but otherwise enjoyable. I felt like an escort as I clicked through the hotel lobby to the ladies' in my heeled ankle boots.

Tavern 17 has that lonely hotel bar feel and the drink menu is cosmo/martini-heavy. You've got to hit it at the right time, though. Their weekday happy hour is almost cool, with live jazz and mini cocktails. There's not much on the menu to distinguish this place except for those sliders, but I'd easily come back for them.

Tavern 17, 220 S 17th St.

The Best Donuts on Broad St. Are Vegan

Who needs a plate when you've got a jar of soy milk to balance on?

Thursday evening holds profound meaning for vegans that miss donuts.

I rarely eat regular donuts. I'm really picky about them and my body is trained to never crave a mass-produced dessert. Unless it's a Tastykake pie, it has to be some artisan shit. I lived down the street from the venerable Stock's Bakery during my shaky teenage years and that's what the air does to you.

As I often holler on about, donuts from Vegan Treats arrive at Govinda's in a small quantity that sells out by Friday. I had yet to try the chocolate frosted, but it's crumb for crumb the Tastykake chocolate-dipped donut. The only person who might detect a difference is my grandpa, because he eats them every day.

New Vegetarian Restaurant Drops Out of the Sky

...and takes over Pita Pocket Falafel & Grille at 16th & Chancellor, which shuttered recently due to the outlawing of falafel or some other unfortunate malady that makes restaurants go away.

We need one. Pita Pocket is the sacrifice we have to make to pave our burgeoning culinary veg-scene. The casual take-outs and pub fare are now plentiful; what we really need is a high-caliber contender. Horizons has proven successful, saluted by consumers of all practices, and I have this thing: I like to get dressed up when I go to dinner.

I suspect that, even at the fancier dining side of Govinda's, you can get away with the cut-offs I told you not to wear in public. Plus, their food, though delicious, is like guzzling a glass of pleasantly-presented oil.

If you prepare me an entree of tempeh that is worth 20-plus bills, in a clean, thoughtful setting, and pay some cute-ish kids to be nice to me and not frisbee my food onto the not-dirty tablecloth, I will gladly pay for it. Many times. There are vegans who dine finely all over NYC and the West Coast. More of that here, please.

My bet is that this place is some mid-range Chinese restaurant with mock shrimp and no personality. I would like to be wrong. If it's a vegan French brasserie, my faux leather t-strap heels are already on.

Presenting...the Not in My Kitchen Veggie Terrine

I've always wanted to make one of these.

I could go to Fantes and buy a food processor right now and hope that it would turn out like this tri-color hunk.

It wouldn't.

And who would check up on the Downtown Cheese guy if I went ahead and did something independent like that?

Imagine that...a cheesemonger in the city that I haven't gone out with.

Cheese/Wine/Beer: I'm Like Tria On Legs

• There are the blasé cheese courses in town (see previous post) and then there are some truly amazing ones (Swallow, Tria). However, when an impromptu picnic heads your way, it's best to hastily and lovingly assemble your own. I like Grocery for small sample sizes of different cheeses and blocks of apricot fig cake. Add baguette slices or crackers, some nuts, fruit, or honeycomb. For a savory plate, go with a sliver of vegetable terrine from the Reading Terminal Market and olives. Chowhound breaks it down in their guide, and GourmetSleuth has a cheese & wine pairing list.

I laid this out according to stench, roughed up a baguette, and left the veggie terrine behind for another time. Our cheese plate/wine/truffles destination? Concerts in the Park at Rittenhouse for the Capitol Years. Pistachio truffles from Coffee Bar at the Warwick? Heavenly. Free Skinny Water near the stage? Not bad.

• Let us not forget about champagne. Truth is, most of my readers are not veggie, they only check this periodically to see if I am sipping champers at Loie on Sundays. You can trust that I am, now that Andy Pry is on deck there from 6-10pm and Sean Agnew on bar with bottles of 'pagne at $20. There are 3 veg specials added to the menu for us types: a tofu scramble with seitan chicken, seitan chicken or beef soy cheesesteaks, and a veggie burger that isn't vegan.
  

• Top 5 Free Bar Snacks: Funds are low. How to cope when the decision is beer or dinner? We've all been there. Falafel-flavored chips counts as a meal.
  

Veg Out: Root

There aren't many false veneers at Root. If you get past the electric orange exterior of the signless building on 10th and Spring Garden, its busy flower garden mural stained on the side, the dimly lit dining room is an austere region. The outside is not homogeneous with the inlying space. Stark white walls, chopping block tables, and wispy, slender silverware that is made for deft hands. There are no ceiling lights, only candles. Be sure you like your partner. The setting does not inspire conversation, except to reflect on the inner/outer contrast, the rawness of the room, the trouble you had plying open the cumbersone sliding wood door on the latrine. The air conditioning isn't ready yet. Alright, you got me. Loads to talk about.

This is a BYO fresh out of Cali, plopped down in the grit and growth of the Loft District. Chris Hora's bare-bones presentation of slow food emphasizes the minimal: focus is directed immediately to victuals. A Cabrales and Valencia Orange Flatbread isn't available, but a mushroom and Point Reyes Blue subs in. I would have loved on some Valencias, but was easily won on the flatbread. Crisp, cracker-like slices were set with smoky slivers of 'shroom and my preferred cheese. Aw, Root, you shouldn't have. And Hora's in love with the stuff...blue cheese pops up yet again in our cheese plate, a mild selection that could use some early day tweaking. With many a cheese layout in town, one must compete with an excitable course. There's also a handling of blue in a number of the salads and the pork plate. Bread appears with the assembly as an afterthought, minutes later.


The menu is tight. Vegetarian handshakes come with cheese here, from a goat cheese tart to the Deconstructed Cheesecake. Meat-partakers may warm up to it, but my access to decent cheese is alarming. Even the Gem Lettuce Salad is prodded along by Buttermilk Parsley Ranch, the Spinach Salad slick with bacon dressing, so if vegan, you're out. Call me later.

Afterbites appear to be more imaginative. We delved into the Birthday Cake with butter cream, a round layer cake set with a single lit candle. The mellow puck was an oily feast of butter, a grown-up version of birthday cake. Children would loathe the unsweet confection. But you had the good sense to not bring them, right? My accomplice found it offputting. I chipped away at it, appreciating something about the texture and richness of it, but agreed that it was not a likeable cake. I could have spread it on bread, had we been given extra.

Root is a brand-new teacher, subject to missteps, laden with leaven identifiers like "sustainable", "byob", "slow food". It's practically asking for quips about growth. Or how this Root needs to see a bit more light.

Root, 1033 Spring Garden St.

Veg In: Mazza

The Greek Combo Platter rarely does me wrong. It's my go-to lunch, akin to what a tuna salad sandwich eaten alone at your desk is for most people. Fucking White People Food. What I'm saying is, Mediterranean food is my White People Food. I tear through sacks of pita like it's white bread.

I despise lunch. I'm not kidding that much.

Both Sanna's and Hamifgash deal in the quick and the cheap. Their hummus doesn't taste like a container. Portions are generous, fresh, and varied. It's perfect grazing food. That oughta be enough, but here I go trying new places again.

Yesterday's take-out menu party in my mail basket had a new face. Mazza, a "healthy" delivery and take-out in South Philly. Chickpea salads, falafel, veggie pita pizza, sweet potato fries, and...pasta specialties? That and the Kids Korner section on the menu almost changed my mind.

Nearly an hour later (they, um, labored over presentation), the Combo Veggie Platter made it to my "desk" and proved that falafel, hummus, baba g, tabbouleh, grape leaves, mixed bean salad, tzatziki , and pita can still be a vivifying feast.

They went a little overboard with the olive oil. Healthy stuff, brah, but not half a bottle of it, savvy? The ghanoush was incredible and was the first to go, I swiped through and told the others I would come back for them. Falafel was crisp and perfectly-sized, hummus leaned on the lemony side, and the three-bean salad balanced things out with fiber and protein. Exactly what I wanted. I was too pathetic to finish it. Let shit hang.

This lunch thing. Can we just eliminate it?

Mazza, 1100 Jackson St., 21-952-2600

Anonymous Clever Epicurean Invents Imaginary Vegetarian Tasting Menu

When I challenged a creative genius to whip up a faux seven-course veg menu for me (emphasis on obscure ingredients and inclusion of hardened sugar hock), I didn't expect that'd he deliver. For future reference, I encourage people to do crazy shit for me all of the time, but I almost never mean it. He hasn't prepared any of this yet, but IN DUE TIME, folks. Anything I eat for the next month will pale in comparison.

A Man of His Word's Vegetarian Tasting Menu

Amuse Bouche: Belgian endive chip with a dollop of blueberry applesauce

1st Course: Asparagus crema and red bell pepper hash served on an "Everything" crostini

2nd Course: Triple-layer roasted veggie terrine — Chinese eggplant, okra, lemon cucumber — served in a translucent coffee mug and topped with frozen mascarpone whipped cream

3rd Course: Chayote medallions seasoned with smoked paprika and glazed with miso caramel; wrapped in flash-fried frisee

Palate cleanser: Cocktail spoon of bitter melon gelato, Alaea sea salt

4th Course: Quesadillas on a stick: blue corn mini tortilla cut in the shape of a ninja throwing star, stuffed with oaxaca cheese, faux blackened shrimp, diced summer squash and huitlacoche sour cream

5th course: Seitan BBQ osso bucco served in a hardened sugar hock with okinawa potato fries and habanero ziti

6th Course: A heap of faux pulled duck marinated in Santa Cruz Organic Root Beer, cayenne pepper and cumin; served in a fried leek boat shaped like an espadrille (your size)

7th Course: Gelato.

High-alt. I know what you're thinking about dessert, but after six rounds of flavor tennis in your mouth, a null, unspoken gelato will be just the thing.

Late Night Happy Hour & Vegan Penis Cake at Horizons

A friend and I split a never-ending mushroom plate (the menu technically calls it Five Mushrooms, but it took us forever to finish it) at the upstairs bar at Horizons. I think there were magical properties in our 'shrooms that caused them to grow back onto the plate. So worth it. Then the bartender told us about their downstairs happy hour, with drink specials from 11-2.

I've never seen a drunk vegan in that place, ever. It's always full of thin, well-dressed, ageless people who make good decisions. I dine there often and can't help noting this.

We also witnessed a bachelorette party--on the quiet, respectful side, natch--which only reached considerate decibels when the chef's wife, Kate, brought out a vegan penis cake that she had baked at request.

That's when I realized that I've never had sex with a vegan. You think about that while I play Coffee Shop.

Veg Out: Surly Falafel

Let the grass of a nearby park be your table.

A discourse on the mighty falafel is not official until someone mentions the Falafel Nazi. Give them time and they will--a man can't make a delicious sandwich from a truck in this city without somebody noticing. Kostadinos Christios has been wrapping up falafel in his signature way - imagine a mad man playing a flute out of sheer love - for years now. His chariot is lined with garlic bulbs,various herbs, and a motley of customers. Some are careful to request their falafel without chicken, the way Christios serves it. Whispers of vegetarian. This is the only decision you get to make. From that moment on, special sauces drop onto your sandwich, those that you will only recognize of your own accord, by a wild-eyed man in a silver box on 20th and Market. If you ask about vegan sauces, he may throw something at you. He may take pity on you. It's unpredictable. This ain't no have-it-your-way.

Everything you know about falafel: hummus, tahini, the Maozification. Let it go.

The Falafel Man isn't even gruff. He gave me his big show and then told me to enjoy. Which I did, immensely, devouring his crisp fava in its metal jacket draped in beet sauce, loads of garlic, shredded veggies, and yes, grapes. As far as I knew, I didn't even like half of what he put on my pita, but it mingled and had its way. The cumin shoots right at you.

There's no doubt that the man is creative. Gone a bit mad. But $5? That's a friend.

The truck is open from 11-2pm, Kostadinos-time.
20th & Market

Veg Out: Brunch Cakes

Mac & cheese and pancakes are top vegetarian comfort foods. Combining the two could mean a glorious, comforting mess, or it could be a disgraceful brunchification of both dishes. As per the recommendation of Foobooz, I brunched at South Philly Tap Room to find out.

SPTR's stepped-up trailer park cuisine gets mixed reactions and turns off a lot of safe players. I like that they take chances. I want someone to have fun in a kitchen. Their playful odes to traditional pub plates recall Shopsins in NYC, the only other place I could direct you for mac-and-cheese pancakes.

After scanning prospects like the Seitan Sloppy Joe Omelet and PBJ Waffles, sides of tofu bacon and poutine, I nearly wavered. Did I yearn for savory or sweet? Mac-and-Cheese Pancakes with Tabasco butter and maple syrup knocks out both teeth. Pressured on by my juvenile curiosity, I did not expect to enjoy it. What if it was Easy Mac and Hungry Jack?

The pancakes came out light, buttery, and ethereal, with pockets of macaroni and cheese that added a lacy crispness and chewiness to each bite. Halfway through, I encountered delightful strings of cheese that oozed from the stack. Tabasco and syrup, when drizzled in moderate amounts, were courteous to one another . Maple and cheddar proved again what McGriddles pronounced years ago: they're a compatible match. This hit with just enough sweetness from powdered sugar, the way that the Tabasco'ed beignets are at Les Bons Temps.

I would gladly fork into this and call it a weekend. I'm entering it into my Brunch Hall of Fame.

It's not like I eat slices of cake every morning. However, continuing my theme of brunchtime caking, I had this lovely hunk of vegan cocoa cake with a thick job of sugar-crusted peanut butter frosting at the Other Green Line Cafe. Its main selling point was that I had no idea who made it and it was not Vegan Treats. I was also starving.

I had intended to grab a coffee and one of the Green Line's limited edition travel mugs with the faux wood finish. Chocolate and peanut butter generally elicits a shrug from me, but I like trying new vegan shit for the hell of it. I'd give it a Nice Vegan Effort sticker, but it wasn't spectacular. Cake part was a little dry/frosting was viciously sweet. Let me tell you, it needed some vegan mac & cheese.

South Philly Tap Room, 1509 Mifflin St.
The Other Green Line Cafe, 45th & Locust

What Little Veg Bloggers Are Made Of

Coconuts & Splash/I love my job

Top 5 Coconut Cravings

Splash Tees

Veg Out: Lolita

As promised, I sampled the whole wheat pizza at Home Slice on Liberties Walk last night with some Sly Fox Weisse, and business card swapped with fellow writers (no bloggers?) like we would ever somehow hire one another. Or co-author a yarn about the creepiness quotient of Liberties Walk. Home Slice looked totally charming and ready to go. There was also soy cheese slices and talk of vegan cheesesteaks. The thin crust was well-played.

In need of more action, I bailed out and went to meet my favorite boy at Lolita.

Lolita bills itself as "provocative Mexican. " I already study at this school called Mexican Cuisine Is Sexier Than Everything Else For the Fine Arts, the Even French Food Campus, so you don't have to convince me. Or do you? Since Salma Hayek Jiménez doesn't work here, you've got to give me something.

The trouble started in that we didn't bring tequila, opting to drink later with some friends. Perhaps with the sway of a pitcher, our plates may have kept up. The salsa was actually spicy enough that it didn't taste of anything. Same deal goes for my dinner, the chuleta de puerco con mole negro, substituted with three-chile tofu. There a number of dishes that allow you to replace meat with tofu or portabellas. So we did. Our server wanted to kill us, I think.

Word of the week, portabellas: see here and here.

When you have to make a dish so electrifyingly hot that it interrupts all other flavor traffic, what are you hiding? Oh, three-chile, you got me. The barely-seared tofu stack ruled over a sweet potato mash, in a moat of smoky mole. I couldn't detect anything but heat. The water I ended up drinking for dinner was very nice. Water, mang. I love the stuff.


I spend a lot of time on Thirteenth St. (Apothecary, Bindi, Capogiro, Grocery - it's like the ABCs of Mod Cuisine) and it's all dandy. The time I spent last night was in unabashed jealousy because my partner's enchiladas verdes with portabellas were so groovy. Too far gone on the hot side for him, but just right for me. Sharp lancaster jack, smooth green salsa, ancient mushroom wisdom. If he wasn't my favorite boy, I would have knocked him out cold, dragged his body into the bathroom, and polished off the remainder of his entree. Say I wouldn't.


We were so alcohol-deprived by the time we drifted into El Vez that we didn't make eye contact with anyone in fear they'd rape us of IQ points, and started making up drink orders. My Walker, Texas Ranger with Hernan Cortes might have been a dream. Minutes later we were in the photo booth, giving face. In less than an hour's time I was on stage at McGillin's for karaoke.

Now I'm wearing the Michelob Ultra shirt that they gave me for belting out Fiona Apple. Style in the home office. This is how bad tastes so right.

Lolita, 106 S. 13th St.
Everywhere else, near 13 St.

In the Kitchen W/ Kelly: Hemp Brownies

Hope is like making hemp brownies. You hope that they will be good. And they are never as scrumptious as the quadruple fudge oreo behemoths you could be eating.

But does that stop anyone?


No. That is why if you perchance find a box of Nature's Path Hemp Plus Organic Brownie Mix (such a rarity can be procured at Natural Goodness Market in Rittenhouse) you should understand that it's whole wheat and will require some doctoring in the moisture department.

Good thing I went with the optional addition of egg substitute. Even then, these were drier than I like, on the chewy side, with hemp seeds to add texture and a nutty flavor. For a gooey, sludgier dessert, use silken tofu like this smart blogchef did.

Much sexier. If you still end up with a subpar brownie, re-fucking-lax. The only reason to really bake brownies is to lick the remaining batter from the beater. It may not be a Vegan Treats brownie, but there are 3 grams of fiber in these things. Plus, hemp is your Omega-3 haul. Not a bad make.

Vegan Hot Topics

• The vegan-lovin' heads behind Full Plate in Liberties Walk have been hard at work on their pizza jawn across the way. Home Slice is firing up the ovens tomorrow during an art show but won't officially open for another couple of weeks. Whole wheat crusts and soy cheese that's not Gianna's? I will eat you so hard.
• Taylor from Mac & Cheese digs on the seitan cheesesteak at the Abbaye, although the seitan portion was skimpy. She also tries the BBQ Seitan. I took this on in a pitiful fashion once, and couldn't even finish it because it was overly spicy. Both are pretty bangin'. My Mushroom Sandwich Confidante, always quick to chime in, swears by their portabella burger.
• I'm not an animal rights activist. I'm horrified by what I've read and I care considerably, but I'd never call South Philly Tap Room and demand that lion be taken off the menu. If it bothered me, I'd stop eating there, Eggplant Parm Nachos and all. Maybe it's because I'm in tight-like with the Resto Mafia, who have rights, too. I hear them out. They wax on about organ meat like it's sex. I can't and won't tell anyone what to chomp on. After weeks of protests, the cubs are out of the kitchen. And if a lion wanted to eat a food critic, I'd offer him a bowl of my Kashi Honey Sunshine (not vegan), but I'd say it's up to him. Even if it was my ass on the line.
• On a lighter note, a reason to live: Citizens Bank Park was named Most Vegetarian-Friendly for the second year in a row. Even when we play the Cubs.

Veg Out: Sketch Burglar

We visited Sketch for a second time and bypassed the burger selection completely for the two specials advertised on the wall. One was the seitan sandwich that I sampled last time, only in its intended conception. Brambles of red onions and seitan were piled on a roll, set off by garlicky aioli and only kitchen-knows-what. Listen up, other guys: this is how seitan must be made.

Again, we missed out on Cheese Doodles, which come with all sandwiches except those that are vegan. I forgot to mention that we were a bunch of non-vegans merely eschewing cheese. The burgers here can be topped in numerous ways, but the sauces they dangle with inject more than enough flavor. We were stuck with tortilla chips. No Tings Crunchy Corn Sticks.
Some of us feel a certain way about Tings.

Also on order was the mushroom & green chile sauce sandwich, and that was decided upon nearly instantly. Green chiles are called on around here with great reverence. This was a hit. A sturdier bun would have helped deliver, but a bread magistrate does not belong in a burger sanctuary.

Service is cheery, casual, and not grating. Chalk is plentiful. The milkshake buzz is only a delicious alarm.

Sketch, 413 E. Girard Ave.

Grill Talk: Surly Jim's Portabella Burger

On Dauphin St. in Fishtown sits a peculiar shop called Surly Jim's Guitar Repair, at the former site of a barber. I have no guitar, I need no repair, but I want to know Jim.

I glanced at a recipe that happened to be named Jim's Portabella Burgers. With him in mind, I improvised, envisioning that one day Surly Jim (in my mind he cuts an intimidating figure shrouded in flannel with sleeves rolled up, exposing lean forearms that recall years of cradling guitars, and a grizzled jaw that is set in a single expression that dares you to move it) and I would grow on each other. Much like the weeds sprouting from the sides of his humble cornershop.

This one's for you, Jim.

Surly Jim's Portabella Burger
Serves 2 (preferably Jim & Kels)

2 portabella mushroom caps
2 tbsp. olive oil
1 clove garlic, sliced
1 tsp. dried thyme
coarse salt & black pepper to taste
1/4 cup water
2 slices of provolone, mozzarella, or soy cheese
garlic mayo, pesto, or hummus, optional
2 crusty buns (we grudgingly prefer onion rolls, with a weary look)

Remove the stems from your bellas. Combine the next 5 ingredients in a small bowl and brush the bellas with your marinade. Let sit, go repair a guitar. Grill the bellas until you trust that they are close to done, then top with cheese. Slather your buns in something nice and herbacious, and then plop the portabella on top, with any other tasty additions that you fancy. Grumble about how delicious it is. Noone said this would make you happy.